In Case of Sudden Death!!!
My work is currently getting ready to move our office to a new city. So, because of this we have been going through stuff to save or throw out. Today we came across a first aid kit. Inside the kit was some really expired Alka Seltzers, sterile cotton (that had a date of 1940? maybe), and other expired medication. I noticed a sticker that had information on what to do “In Case of Sudden Death.” What? Wait? Sudden Death? You mean they’re already dead? Uh oh, that can’t be good! I thought Sudden Death was what they did in fighting matches when there was a tie? You know, Sudden Death Match! (said in a deep dramatic tone)
Let’s begin……
#1 Put on Latex or Rubber gloves– I don’t know why, I guess so you don’t get death cooties on you.
#2 Establish Unresponsiveness– wait, didn’t you already say In Case of Sudden Death? I’m assuming they’re dead!
#3 Yell Out for Help – this is funny, obviously this was printed before the invention of 911. Put on your rubber gloves and yell HELP SOMEONE HAS HAD A SUDDEN DEATH!!
#4 Open Airway – be careful I’ve heard that when people die bodily fluids seep out of them….just sayin’
#5 Pinch Nostrils – well if they breath through their nose you just blocked their airway, but since they’re dead, I guess it’s okay.
#6 Give 2 Full Breaths – what? Into their mouth? Technically it doesn’t say to do that, maybe you’re suppose to just breath yourself, I mean you must be tired from all that yelling for help!
#7 Feel for a Pulse – I don’t know about you, but shouldn’t you feel for a pulse BEFOREyou stick your mouth on theirs? I mean, that could be sexual harassment or something! This should really be #2 or something!
#8 Send for Medical Help – Obviously all that damn yelling for help didn’t work! Maybe you could send Lassie to get Medical Help….too bad they didn’t have a phone number you could call to get help, that would be so much easier!
#9 Patient on a Firm Surface – Again, shouldn’t this be higher up on the list? It would be hard to give them mouth to mouth if they’re sitting in their chair. If you think about it, it definitely would look like you were doing something else to them if they were in a chair!
#10 Locate Hand Position – okay who’s hands are we talking about here? And what position?
#11 Position Your Body – again with the positions, this is sounding worse and worse, shouldn’t you be worried about the dead body?
#12 15 Chest Compressions– to the dead body? Ewww, oh wait, you’re wearing rubber gloves, you should be okay.
#13 2 Mouth to Mouth Ventilation’s– yea, sorry but I’m not putting my mouth on anyone’s mouth I work with.
#14 Repeat Compression & Ventilation’s – nope, sorry, this is not in my job description.
#15 Continue until the victim revives, additional help arrives, or until you are exhausted.
Okay, #15 is my all time favorite on the list! “Or until you are exhausted?” “Gee, I’m so exhausted from yelling for help, and I’m just tired, guess I can give up now, I mean, it says I can!”
