{"id":624,"date":"2009-02-19T09:24:07","date_gmt":"2009-02-19T13:24:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/?p=624"},"modified":"2009-02-19T09:24:07","modified_gmt":"2009-02-19T13:24:07","slug":"being-poked-by-sharp-sticks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/2009\/02\/19\/being-poked-by-sharp-sticks\/","title":{"rendered":"Being Poked By Sharp Sticks"},"content":{"rendered":"

CAUTION<\/strong>-This post will contain “woman themes”, <\/strong>really gross, descriptive events that occurred today at the ob\/gyn office.\u00a0 If you are a guy, my dad, my brother, or anyone who is squeamish at all, I would suggest you skip this post today!\u00a0 Or if you plan on having an I.U.D.<\/strong> in the near future, you may not want to read this.\u00a0 If you decide to keep reading after being warned, and you sit there and go,“uh, oh, ewwww, OMG!\u00a0 I can’t believe how gross and disgusting this post is”<\/em> well suck it up!\u00a0 At least you weren’t the one with their feet in the stirrups!!!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Let’s start with a little back-story.\u00a0 If you are new to this blog then you missed my other nasty, descriptive post about “The Sharks are Circling”<\/em><\/a>, which is code for “my absolutely horrible period”.<\/strong>\u00a0 So, I have endometriosis, which is very<\/em> painful, screws up your periods, and just pretty much makes being a woman SUCK<\/strong>!\u00a0 My dr. and I decided that my best bet for treatment was to have an I.U.D.<\/strong> (Intrauterine\u00a0Device),<\/em> which should stand for INTENSIVE UNCOMFORTABLE DEMON<\/strong> inserted into my uterus.\u00a0 Okay, I’ve seen the commercials for Mirena<\/em> with the smiling mom talking about how wonderful it is with Mirena<\/em>.\u00a0 Well, first off in the commercial it doesn’t tell you that 1<\/strong>. You have to take pills to dilate you so they can shove it in there, 2<\/strong>. You have to have your period when they do it, and 3<\/strong>.\u00a0 They may NOT <\/strong>be able to shove it in there!\u00a0 I went to the office today, the dr. came in and I asked about how long it would take, “15 minutes tops, don’t worry it’s really easy”<\/em>\u00a0 Famous last words!\u00a0 Real easy my ass!\u00a0 She puts the clamp on and takes a peek….”Hmmm, did you take those pills?”<\/em>\u00a0 me-“Yea, why??”<\/strong>\u00a0 her<\/strong>-“oh it’s no big deal, but you don’t look dilated, but it should be fine, I can just manually dilate your cervix”<\/em>\u00a0 me-“what the???”<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, now comes the next torture<\/strong> device, the dilator<\/em>.\u00a0 She clamps this thing on and starts turning, “click, click, click”<\/em>\u00a0 HOLY CRAP BATMAN, WTF!!!<\/strong> (sorry Mom, but this was very<\/em> painful, it requires swearing!!)\u00a0 “don’t worry this should make it easier for insertion”<\/em>\u00a0 BULLS—!<\/strong>\u00a0 She pushed, and poked, and prodded over and over again for an HOUR<\/strong>!\u00a0 Yes you read right an HOUR<\/strong>!\u00a0 An HOUR<\/strong> of cranking the torture device trying to “open”<\/em> my cervix, an HOUR<\/strong> of pushing with all her might to get this thing into my uterus!\u00a0 her<\/strong>-“You know, there was only one other time in my 25 yrs as a dr. that I could not insert one of these.<\/em>\u00a0 me<\/strong> -(in my head), “yea, lucky me, I am the one other person that cannot have an IUD implanted!”\u00a0 H<\/strong>\"\"<\/strong><\/a>ow come I’ve never that one person that wins the lottery or something good?”<\/strong>\u00a0 Huh?\u00a0 What’s up with that\u00a0 <\/em>KARMA?\u00a0 She then tells me that there’s like a turn or something, and if she can just maneuver around the curve she may make it.\u00a0 So “Sharp Turn Ahead”<\/strong>.\u00a0 At this point she’s got the super bright light shining in my… well..you know<\/em>, and I’m realizing that her face is mere inches, maybe less than an inch away from my…you know<\/em>.\u00a0 It looks like she’s trying to look into a key hole or something!\u00a0 Yes, these are the thoughts going through my head!\u00a0 “That’s soo gross that she is so close to my..you know, god this sooo hurts, I hate being a woman, I want to kill this woman right now, Elle is sooo gonna want me to write about this!”<\/strong>\u00a0 After a few more tries I had enough, it was not going to work, and I could not stand it anymore.\u00a0 She then said, “wow, you are such a trooper!\u00a0 you must have a high threshold for pain”.<\/em>\u00a0 Well, let’s see, what were my options while she was poking me with sharp sticks?\u00a0 Scream at the top of my lungs or kick her in the head??\u00a0 I mean c’mon?\u00a0 What could I do?\u00a0 She’s got everything stuck in me and my feet are in the stirrups, not much I could do.\u00a0 And of course after it was done and I got up to get dressed I glanced around the room.\u00a0 Holy CSI<\/strong>!!!\u00a0 It looks like someone’s been murdered in here!\u00a0 Note to self, do not make eye contact with the nurse when you walk out, she’s going to have to clean up this crime scene!\u00a0 Thank goodness my designated husband<\/strong> took the day off to drive me today because after that ordeal there was no way I could of driven myself home!\u00a0 I did request some Tylenol with Codeine, which I am sooo<\/em> happy about!\u00a0 So in the end my only real option is a hysterectomy, which is NOT what I wanted to do.\u00a0 But we’ve had our boys and we were done in that department, it’s just more about having surgery, worrying about that, being out of work for awhile, the kids, the family…you know EVERYTHING<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0 So that was my day, how was yours??\u00a0
\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

CAUTION-This post will contain “woman themes”, really gross, descriptive events that occurred today at the ob\/gyn office.\u00a0 If you are a guy, my dad, my brother, or anyone who is squeamish at all, I would suggest you skip this post today!\u00a0 Or if you plan…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"__cvm_playback_settings":[],"__cvm_video_id":"","spay_email":"","jetpack_publicize_message":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[425,490,598,876,1069,1179,1259,1467],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3ISGQ-a4","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/624"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=624"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/624\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=624"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=624"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bluemonkeybutt.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=624"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}