LOST-Season Premiere-Cliff Notes Edition

So on Wednesday LOST finally premiered.  Let me start off by saying that I have watched this damn show since it started.  This is the last season, and they keep saying that everything will be explained.  Yea right, that’s what you guys have been saying all along, and nothing is ever explained!  Every time I watch it I am more confused than I was the week before!  I decided to summarize what happened in the 2 hour premiere, hopefully you can follow along…

In the season finale last year Jack, Sawyer, Kate and Juliette were trying to blow up the big ass magnet that’s on the island.  They thought if they did that, then their plane wouldn’t crash on the island….remember, they traveled back in time and it’s the 70’s, they haven’t actually crashed there yet.  Makes sense right?  So, boom, it blows up.  On the other side of the island Locke brought Ben to talk to Jacob.  Jacob is the CEO of the island, Ben is his bitch, I mean assistant, he does everything Jacob tells him to do, although he’s never actually seen Jacob.  There are some other people that came to the Island on another plane, and they brought a casket, and guess who was in the casket???  Locke!  What the Hell??  Yep there’s Locke’s dead body, how is that possible?  Just wait, it gets even weirder.  It then jumps to Jack, Sayid, Sawyer, Kate, Hurley, Boone (remember him from season 1?), Sun, Jin, Rose and Bernard on the doomed airplane from Australia that is suppose to crash on the island…….but it doesn’t…it passes over the island, and the camera pans down from the clouds and shows the island under water…kinda like Atlantis or something!  We also find out that the airline lost Jack’s dead father.  Then we jump back to the island where the big bomb went off, they find Juliette under a bunch of rubble and save her in time for her to die in Sawyer’s arms….it didn’t go over well with Sawyer.  Then we see Locke and Ben talking to Jacob in a cave, Locke convinces Ben to kill Jacob, which he does, then they burn Jacob’s body.  A bunch of other people come in the cave (which I’m guessing are Jacob’s bodyguards, but they obviously are fired now because they didn’t do their job!) and they shoot Locke.  Guess what, the bullets bounce off of him…yep another What The Hell moment.  Locke then turns to smoke!  Ahh, now I understand, he’s the Smoke Monster of the Island!  He kills the bodyguards, then turns back into Locke.  If you don’t know the Smoke Monster is like the crazy pit bull of the island, he was probably some one’s pet, but then he went crazy.  So then dead Jacob goes to talk to Hurley, I’m guessing because Hurley has mental issue’s he can also talk to dead people.  Jacob tells Hurley to bring Sayid to a temple in the jungle.  Sayid is dying, in case you didn’t know.  So off they go into the jungle and they find a HUGE temple, wow, surprising they never saw the big ass temple sitting on an island!  Anyways, they bring Sayid to the temple, the temple people drown him in some magical pool, and he dies.  Don’t worry in about 10 minutes he comes back to life.  So that’s about it, are you completely confused?  I know I am!  Also, here is a list of who’s dead, who’s not, and who might be, I’m sure I’ve missed a few people:

Dead                             Not Dead                      Maybe Dead
Jacob                               Jack                                Claire
Jack’s Father                Kate                           Jack’s Father
Charlie                          Sawyer                           Desmond
Juliette                         Hurley                             Richard                                          
Locke                             Jin
Ben’s Father                   Sun