Blue Tooth Bitch

I have a Blue Tooth and she’s a bitch. I don’t usually use that word, but there really isn’t a better word to describe that bitch that is my Blue Tooth. In New York State we have to use a hands free device for our cell phones when driving. As a mom, there are times when I have to make phone calls when I’m driving, like calling the kid’s doctor, calling my husband to find out what he wants for dinner….hopefully takeout, calling work because I’m late, or calling my sister because I’m bored of important family stuff.

Every single time I think it’s going to work and every single time I fall for her evilness. I’ll push that little button on the Blue Tooth and then I’ll hear her

BTB: Please say a command

Me:  Call Rich work

BTB: Did you say call Lisa?

Me: NO! (WTH??!! How does she get Lisa out of that?)

BTB: Did you say call Michelle?

Me:NO!!!!!!! (C’mon!)

BTB: Did you say call Tammy?

Me: NO!!!!!!!!! (This is when I know she’s just taunting me)

BTB: Sorry, no match found. ( What a bitch!)

By now I’m screaming no into the blue tooth and people in the cars around me are giving me strange looks. Then I’ll try to call my parents

BTB: Please say a command

Me: Call Mom and Dad home

BTB: Did you say call mummerminute? (I’m so not kidding! Who the hell is mummerminute? And why do I have their phone number?)

Me: No!

BTB: Did you say call Mom and Dad? (finally she gets it right)

Me: Yes! (I’m all happy, but the bitch isn’t done with me yet)

BTB: Which number?

Me: Home (I’m almost there)

BTB: Mobile calling (BTB strikes again!)

Me: No!!!!! I said home not mobile! Since when do they sound alike? (of course she’s already gone off to laugh at me and smoke a cigarette after a job well done)

Usually by this time I just give up, don’t call anyone, go home, have a shot of tequila and curl up in a fetal position on my bed. Is it too much to call Blue Tooth Bitch my arch enemy?